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January/February 2012 Issue

AT VIDEO STORES NOW

February 8

Anonymous (2011), C-130m. [PG-13, v] ΔΔ

Anonymous is what happens when too many drama nerds watch the X-Files. In this production they take the age old question of scholars, of whether Shakespeare was an actual person or a pseudonym, and answer it in terms of the social-political environment of Elizabethan England (see what these movies do to me? They make me all polysyllabic and sh-t. I hate that!). But the politics are so intertwined in the story, who’s boning who, bastard babies, plots against the throne, etc., that it seems more like The Young and the Restless crossed with George Lucas in Love than Shakespeare in Love because every character and every scene in some way makes it into a Shakespeare play. Is the subject interesting? Yes. Is the movie interesting? No. In fact the ten minute documentary on the bonus features was more interesting than the entire movie, as inaccurate as it may be (such as claiming the actual Shakespeare was illiterate and therefore couldn’t have written the plays, while at the same time saying we have his signature all but ignoring that we have his handwritten Last Will and Testament). Plus in a documentary you won’t have to watch the queen humping everything in sight like a baboon in heat. Rhys Ifans, Joely Richardson, Vanessa Redgrave, Sebastian Armesto, Rafe Spall, David Thewlis, Edward Hogg, Xavier Samuel, Trystan Gravelle; D: Roland Emmerich

Sunset Limited (2011), C-91m. [R, p] ΔΔ

Sunset Limited is two great actors in a two man play with an ending that spoils the rest of the movie. In fact I’m going to issue a SPOLIER ALERT now because in order for you to understand why this movie was a waste of my time you need to know whay the ending spoiled it. Tommy Lee Jones is a white professor who tries to throw himself in front of a train called The Sunset Limited. But is saved by Samule L. Jackson. The next ninety minutes are of Jackson trying to talk him out of doing it again and Jones saying, “No, I’m going to run right back out and throw myself under that train.” Then Jones leaves to go do it. The end. What I want to know is why, if nothing changes in either the story or the characters over the course of those ninety minutes, was I supposed to watch this f-cking film in the first place?! It’s like having Luke’s proton torpedos miss at the end of Star Wars and having the Death Star blow up the rebel base on the Fourth moon of Yavin. It renders the rest of the film null and void and therefore a pointless waste of my time! If all we’re supposed to get out of the film is two great actors acting great, then call the frickin’ movie Two Great Actors Acting Great! But don’t waste my time in leading me on to believe that something interesting will happen by the end of the movie because it won’t. The movie is all foreplay with no payoff, leaving you with blueballs at the end. In short it was a waste of a good idea, and a waste of my time and probably yours. Avoid it. Tommy Lee Jones, Samuel L. Jackson; D: Tommy Lee Jones

OSCARS 2013

By The Movie Dunce

 Due to unforeseen complications, Movie Dunce will be going on a short hiatus as of today, February 15, 2012, but I will try to keep the website running for back issues for as long as possible. I want to leave you with the last article I was working on for the March issue: Predictions for the Academy Awards of 2013. That’s right, I’m going to tell you what the Oscars winners will be not just for this year (which are currently in the January/February 2012 Issue) but for next year, for films which have not yet come out. Hows that for being ballsy.

Best Picture Nominees are: Best Exotic Marigold Hotel, Dark Shadows, Darling Companion, Les Miserables and Lincoln.

I believe that Lincoln will win because it is a one word titled biopic starring D-Day Lewis which comes out in December.

Best Actor Nominees are: D-Day Lewis for Lincoln, Willem Defoe for The Hunter, Johnny Depp for Dark Shadows, Hugh Jackman for Les Miserables, and Bill Murray for Moonrise Kingdom.

Johnny Depp will win for Dark Shadows because he has been nominated several times before without a win, he is between the ages of 30 and 50 and first name begins with a J, and more importantly, D-Day already has picked up two Oscars for Best Actor and the odds on him picking up a third are getting long, even if he deserves it. Also Jackman and Murray are going to be nominated because if you nominate DiCaprio, that’s way too many people whose last name begin with a D.

Best Actress nominees are: Maggie Gyllenhall for Hysteria, Diane Keaton for Darling Companion, Eva Mendes for Girl in Progress, Carey Mulligan for The Great Gatsby, and Rachel Weisz for Deep Blue Sea.

I believe that Diane Keaton will win because its about a woman on a cute quest to find her dog and also because she’s been noinated for best actress about a bazillion times but hasn’t actually won since 1977 when she was 32 years old, although age is a factor and most Best Actress winner are between the ages of 24 and 38, peaking at 29.

Best Supporting Actors are: Gerard Butler for Of Men and Mavericks, Tom Cruise for Rock of Ages, Russell Crowe for Les Miserables, Ben Foster for 360, and Peter O’Toole for Best Exotic Marigold Hotel.

I gotta be honest, I’m torn here. I think the Academy really want to give O’Toole one because he’s so old and still hasn’t won in spite of so many other nominations, but I think Tom Cruise will end up winning for playing an again rock star as Hollywood’s way of saying "Welcome back to the A-List, kid".

Best Supporting Actresses are: Julie Christie and Maggie Smith for Best Exotic Marigold Hotel, Holly Hunter and Rosie Perez for Won’t Back Down, and Jane Fonda for Peace, Love and Misunderstanding.

They’ve given so many Supporting Actress awards to thirty somethings over the last few years I think they’re going for age this year. I think Jane Fonda will make a comeback and nail this one even though Holly Hunter deserves it more.

Best Documentary’s are: Disney's Chimpanzee, First Position, Highest Pass, Island President and Jiro Dreams of Sushi.

The winner will be Jiro Dreams of Sushi because they’ve done too many dancing ones recently, and Jiro is about and old guy who makes sushi and has an adorable title that the Academy loves.

Best Foreign films will be: Monsieur Lazhar, Trishna, Untouchable, and Where Do We Go Now.

Even though Monsieur Lazhar has a title that sounds like it should win, I’m going with it’s French companion Untouchable because it’s about a guy in a wheelchair.

Best Costumes will go to Dark Shadows because aside from Depp they have no other Oscars they plan on giving it.

Best Animated Picture will go to Pixar’s Brave because Pixar wins everything that’s not foreign.

Best F/X will go to Ang Lee's Life of Pi.

Best Sound will go to The Avengers because the Academy secretly loves an action flick and wants to toss it some kind of award.

I only wish that I didn’t have to wait a year to find out how accurate or ridiculous these predictions are now, but that point may be irrelevant because I had such a fun time putting them together. And if I do get most of them right, who knows, maybe I can begin a career as an Academy psychic. You may call me: The Oscar Whisperer. Have a great year everybody. I’ll be back when I can.

-The Movie Dunce